Through the Mist

If I could do anything over again, I would go see my grandpa at the hospital when he was dying.  I drove all the way up to my parents’ house from college because I knew he was sick.  When I got there, because I had dilly-dallied, it was late.  I called him on the phone.  He and my grandma said that it was okay for me not to come to the hospital because it was late.  We talked about how he’d just gotten out of the quickest surgery in the world.  They laughed, good-naturedly, about it.  Then we hung up.  I didn’t drive to the hospital that day, or the next.  I went back to school.  Next thing I know, I got The Call.  I’d missed my chance.  If I could do it over, I’d have gone to see him face to face one last time.

I cheated.  On the man who was one day going to be my husband.  The hardest thing I ever had to do was walk into the house we share, knowing that he loved me and trusted me, say his name and watch him turn to look at me, and ask him to come sit with me so we could talk.  And then have to tell him what I did.  The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch his face transform and know that in that instant, it was all over.  We worked through it eventually, and even got married.  We’re happier than we’ve ever been.  But it wasn’t without this trial.  Just thinking about it makes me hold my breath.

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